- the brilliance of
sharp ice crystals
in white vibrant
A gamma-ray in drop of alpha, I come from outer infinity and grow in darkness, then in the light: my gamma-spirit grows together with alpha-body. Long - long period seems so momentary in a while, and while life already fades in the body, it increases in spirit that expands here far, far beyond – near I see opposite changes, but any fortune is unique – so after agony my spirit, inner sight includes galaxy as a particle...
AD (acute distress)
Listen to me – hell is here, on Earth – as well as there in heaven; by energy “conservation” law: any state of matter in Universe is equal to 1 , all the same; “everything is everywhere” /Bhagavat Gita/. Physically eventually everybody from Eden descends to hell, feels it, being burnt in it, sees it - everywhere: by wave theory: up – down; everybody as one, uniformly. Happiness and pleasure changes for grief and pain, and horror; Buddha’s continual hell. All agony of boundless as space life, here and beyond, life after life – same change changing into change; happiness and grief in life by equal measure; beyond is the same happiness, freedom and mesh and pain: fly does dirt…
What is this me for? What for?!.. I know - for everything; what kind of monster am I to deserve such pain?!.. Already this body can not contain… Can not contain any more!.. Or must I again accuse an external entity of this rack - turning my love into hate, hate, hate... Again an arm of revenge to everything that I love – thence to myself…
You scared? Yes, I have the diagnosis: but everybody have this diagnosis; but despite it matters really what a thing of heaven and hell I am - I mean I deserve this hell, it’s of my own – I need a human attitude - as a psychiatrist, as air to breathe, for me! Because even for hell’s “creature” it is unbearable to burn in it, ascending to world beyond – what I am doing. The evil is kindness being its soil; Pilate and Caiaphas send God to His heaven - fallen angel raises Him; kind man works in abbatoir; a matter cannot be different from a matter as from itself, by definition – zero-dimensional divisor, not occupying it, does not affect it; a man cannot be different from a man – a man is equal, as humankind, as anything, one universal unity; everything is conditional cliché and life, equally – but I do love – I need hatred and, and but I need love and deserve love
The life: ''...want some whiskey?''-
to a man with full glass in hand...
From a filed note of a person wanted: “I have not disappeared – simply changing incarnation for elsewhere with a large speed – still managed to write this note.”
A labyrinth, a maze –
small door opens into cluttered rooms,
then into a garden, a hall, painted white;
then another hall of golden ware,
with sea – green, and skies – blue, boundless,
then more cluttered rooms,
ceilings, walls, libraries,
gilded Universities, swathes, cloisters, temples, space –
you travel light –
another door, or a gate, mansion, palace, hotel,
pub, bookshop, alley,
basement, road, walls, ceilings, house, road, flight –
you travel light
in amazed delirium
How can you?
If I didn’t know – everything is possible, I wouldn’t beleive it; but I know how people run after own kind with axe, on slightest excuse, must and possibility send them away to prison, torture and burn them as heretics and blow whole nations to beyond for gas, oil and opium of their land under banner of "supremacy" or democracy.
How can you, whom I love so much and with whom lived for so long together like with myself – insistently and consciously send me to national Gulag, to agony in the world of “legally insane” executioners - Caesar's slaves I have to face, prison torture, lockers, handcuffs, batons, Tazers, guns, restraint chairs, forceful therapy inherited from lobotomists and concentration camps builders? Could it be possible that maybe relevant statistics escape your awareness? I do not blame you because of general propaganda - it is really difficult to realise fully what monster is there under all righteous camouflage... My own mind is very far from this case that reminds of a junta trial on freedoms, I cannot concentrate on it - it is with you... What demon has posessed you to such run and revenge?
What for? For desperate every possible effort to restore communication? I compelled to contact you because I still am living with you – I feel you, hear, speak with you, smell, communicate, walk, everything...
I do continue to live with you – if the image I am living with wasn’t material you it would be different image – I still in my own sound mind. Nothing lets go.
The same as that hubby who “slept for half a year with his dead wife” – you see, “dead” means “gone, left or absent” – but she is not absent, she is here: “gone or left” is sheer irrational theory. There’s no past or gone matter – everything is here, all our life.
I am indeed aware , ashamed of, and sorry for your grievance – very sorry for every possible grief caused – but in same measure I am your happiness, as you – mine. How can you – I love you, and that’s why you need me; you’re my very kindness as I am yours; please withdraw the incriminations, call off torturer – in any sense, come back to me!
I love you – so much
There's no better 'cause life is one,
there's no better 'cause we're never there,
'tis impossible to live in the forest better than a wolf,
there's no better than to live as a man,
nothing is better than what is there because there's everything;
there's no worse - there's no difference; there's no more...
The same - no gain or loss - endlessly all goes
Lifesoul, lifeboat - favorite of fortune
in the House of Light,
a man who isn't right
Inexhaustble fury, unending love
in just a fluttering night!..
The city is broken, Thames flows by,
words are barely spoken
in the House of Light
One able to ask - is able to answer.
One thinks - he should die, and finds himself alive;
seems, loses everything, lives without
any hope for so long with no relief or solution -
he raises the eyes and sees God,
calms down, looks at the world, into other's eyes -
and sees God, looks and finds Him.
I saw so many eyes,
looked in so many eyes seeing Him -
I see Him myself
You can't be born
into existing world -
appearing as a nihil from nowhere,
and cannot die as only death is dead;
but you live thereafter'n'before...
Hey there, Fortune,
turn that wheel - do change my grief for heaven!
So much underground – hard to be found; but -
while I enjoyed boundless life in my rented tomb,
that swarm of worms attacked my corpse:
GP's, hospital therapists, nurses, health assessors, Tribunals judges, housing managers, contractors, pest control pests, tax and church clergy, almmongers,
all the pack of Dept. of Works and Pensions with Council and Jobcentre together,
policemen, cold callers advertisers, neighbours in frenzy for tobacco and loans -
squirming of hunger, berserk of tasty smell all came down to feed off one my body...
The rat wants blood - it is her own;
the key to Pandora's box is of its matter -
do you anoint God so he would respond with the same?
In exorsistic agony Marquis exploded -
in giant sphere of smoke, angel, demon, semen, blood and fire:
grief or pleasure - equal measure; micro, macro - all grows,
oh, nano ! O fuckin' K !
So far - fuck off:
I'm going to dat world, u movefuka, dumb GP -
what can u do 'baut dat with your cheap shit theory? Shudda shit, shudda shit!
Freed from koola, da's my brudda came to town, came to town,
he gonna send u along too, too, too - gun u down, gun u down!
Oh God, beleive in me!..
A thought is a bullet in my head...
is just everyone,
great City here is
because of this gutterpup – he is its sick builder.
Vertical gyro ballast –
do fell those raising the climbers:
stairs to heaven are bodies.
Please help me - as it is in pain;
and Castle gates already open -
am cannot plug that blade into myself!?
In stigmatized life beyond seppuku point for long
just one candle of hope quivers in vast freezing darkness of scorn.
Earthly Incarnation “Don’cha” (1 as/of ∞)
believe in zombies – do u don’cha – look at me,
revived in baric
chamber by orthodox straight pro's,
as a result a
leper – believing everything.
The house of light is darkness,
the house of small is large,
the house of kindness is evil.
Twisted colossus of humankind,
loving off pain - what's the gain? Always the same:
grief or p1easure - equa1 measure:
man - lone swimmer in ocean of own blood.
Itself is the only sake... All this life:
the grandiose sway, tragedy, pain, grief - just for what it is,
for endless process, for just so - for noise and sheer sadistic
I am a sea of pain –
sure, feel nothin’ but that; except
somewhere in my dark waves
sails the white ping-pong ball of happiness
What I really want -
is to change my form,
thereof is horribly boring, and trite;
it is shameful to be a man, in its spectrum -
where even charismatic beauty is continuous hell
and genius is dumb - without nihil edge to the mind.
Want to follow Christ -
to be everything.
Could you recite
just one your own only idea,
just one thing
that you haven't heard from somebody, or read somewhere,
but invented yourself? Just one?..
I am the rising sun
on the horizon,
starlight at night,
the mountain and maple on its slope,
rainforest, waterfall... lark’s song –
- What is your pride, squire?
- Why, it is my intellect,
knowledge, interests, taste, trade,
courage, character, speed; communication,
friends, feelings, honour, freedom, life, soul and love!
- You see those black ruins there... It was one great city.
And your name..?
"Sacrifice is paid twice".
In whole endless constant kingdom
Hamlet exchanges Hamlet in this world -
those mentals send the prince to their house.
By scholar’s lips, you ask – in Sahara, remember –
do I love you?..
I am yours,
your best, your chosen,
you love me as I do – you:
not by chance do raise me to you –
amethyst tears in your jasper smile,
once I close my eyes I open them on equal planet
and see Atlantis rise, and read Ecclesiastes
I'm going into beyond
and my ashes - what's behind -
're flying in the wind
of that infinitely distant,
My body's here, and I'm near, and far away -
'cause I'm just a spectre, just a spectrum - an infinite wave...
I am going out
of my mind because of pain –
my mind works
presently against me:
is warm, live’n’sound –
it coldly and
I seldom am able
to reverse it -
an example: how ever
do I dare to imagine myself being skinned alive?!
A hysteria. Cosmos,
For pointless sadism of hyperbarbaric chamber for premature being –
with the condition of infinite life in fact guaranteed,
for the conditioning and slavery for this clichéd society
ensuing sheer leprosy’n’ infarct,
for the arrests and Court in pain, under the partial law –
eye for an eye, tooth for tooth – I love You
explode with light -
it showers down from trees crowns in streams
and plays warmly on my face,
I step forward –
and become the light myself