Stream (Current. To correct & continue…)
To Swiss DIGNITAS
“Furthur!” /K. Kesey
It is impossible not to ask “why”, and not to compare. That I is about how I’m goin’ raving out of my mind – ‘cause of long habit to be out of traditional work, with nothing practical to do except of dabbling in art and either professionally or alternatively thinking causality and spatial geometry, imagining lots (reality is imagination i.e. surrealism) – swaying universal paradox of all the opposites equation, shaking it like cocktail mixer, verbalising – with deep impractical loathe to boring detailed totally theoretical “differential” classic education, and a round of physical painful illnesses (ministrokes amount, body is being burnt by temperament) to boot’n’basket… My English wishes to be good – and far backwards (i.e, in my phys-lingo, “long ago”) I knew Thesaurus by heart. Psych that is with difficulty controlled by OCD alliterations. So far so good as good as it gets, fair enough but of course – wish I’d dream into beyond – to wake up in hell is… Beyond someone’s imagination. But common dementia (a norm as motive mind), or as I call it – autistic Luzhin syndrome – progresses quickly presently… Tis’ the infinite change (any matter form). I used to the trip out of my mind, habit. Have to write, to occupy mind at least wid dat, an a-social anti-human in indefinite (infinite) liquid uni-form of a man. Amazing why I’m still allowed and able to write. How can I anyway control my circumstances if I barely control myself (being in a state – but anyone in it)? The state controls you back in same measure you control it.
I’m on bail (of course, non-violent case): waiting for yet another racking arrest among many one (that would include also means of existence; I even write straight to data traveller in paranoidal fear) any moment – any moment, for very long already, it is horribly painful: this all being just consequential symptom of anti-cliché alternativeness. In concrete sack you are “not allowed” to smoke for all that terribly long – and I’m chain-smoking – writhing in cold turkey. Torturing prison looms. Have to translate – even to myself – traditional human metric lingo to mine, with such difficulty to communicate: argue on terms, translating “different” to “variable” and “definition” to “infinition”, avoiding theoreticals like “hard”, “heavy”, “force”, “stressful”, “multiple”, proving black is physically
. Do not find many “proper” or “vernacular” forms theoretically correct – dat’s why this text is surrealistically grammatically peculiar. Anyway why shall I write in this language – there’s no fixed form, language as anything is the change – because of respect? “To correct”… Graphomania is the same compulsive syndrome as Tourette’s. As any mental activity. Communication problem is horrible again. Oh heaven – please martyr me off or come back to me! Civilization… Instinct of provin’/improvin’ own life/logic at any cost, same as piranha’s one. See? Dat’s me (as anybody though). Paintin’ a self-portrait. Σ
=1=∞=any1… Boring… One’s horror of proven awareness that up-down circle will never end – infinite, with guaranteed long-long torture intervals – that is hell. Bhudda’s “continual hell”… To suffer and chew on same boring gum always. Interest? It is our interest. Aesthetics in shape of a fatty ass – of H. Bosch in each Botticelli stroke. Adventure? In this world is the same boring slavery for happines/freedom. Blessed those poor in knowledge – they have the must... Soon their servants come and drug me to their conditioning facilities. With hooks they tug brain from my head – and in the brain is you – and I love you. You’re my life – nobody can take you from me, even you – I’m in you as you in me, I’m you. Hope to go to beyond ASAP in a jiffy… At least processor totally changes – for a while; everything returns. What an utilitarianism! Materialism total – spirit being the matter. Horrible to be an opposite of your own kind – and it must exist ‘cause everything must to…
“Смелый юродивый вопреки нашей идеальной для эксплуатации дифференцированной теории пропагандирует физику уравнения...“ /Пилат
“Contrary to our utilization-ideal differential theory, alien brings around physics of equation…”/Pilate
Античеловек…Трудно разговаривать на противоположном языке, но попытаюсь. Вот животное, в канаве с бутылью - он чувствует свое бессмертие, и единственное что он дурного делает - поощряет спиртиндустрию; но ему этот спирт нужен для изменения сознания.
А вот преуспевающий член общества (с образованием, карьерой, зарплатой, бизнесом, собственностью) - сколько для него производится и сжигается топлива, пластика, металла, вооружений, технологий, скапывается гор и почв, валится лесов, загрязняется рек и морей, ведется войн т.п., т.п - что за гуманную антигуманную деятельность мы здесь наблюдаем??? А мне что за такую позицию “будет“?
Общественные санкции, stigmata и одиночество античеловека.
I’m positively bored with orthodox (the same as occult) universal logic. Really, 0=1(infinite decrease a)=2. 2×2=4+1=5... Non-existence exists – but still as spatial existence. Time is space - length of length.
I'm bored to travel/teleport to the neighbouring Earth, to see the floor is flying in the room’s air where a steam engine is hanging, by an object changing before my eyes, bored to drink with Oppenheimer and hang out with J. Lang, by that I am green and scaly, I – and everything – is anything simultaneously, the teapot is Venus de Milo, a star is hanging in the room, a friend rationally hanged himself ("it’s good there; one need to change” – it is the same), bored to be the cosmic wind and thought, by that the occultism orthodox, the reality is surreal (it is of any form) – all of it for so very long, everything changes to opposite, good to horror and v.v. Whatever, think or act – all the same and same… Boring on’n’on.................................
I envy traditional conditioned people. But I am a man – despite it, as nature, is anything – and anything human is also of my own. What I shall believe in – in the world, that equally to belief and knowledge, decreases either increases infinitely?! What can be my objective in totally indifferent world? Anything? That is just for refusal of necessity of difficult/boring utilitarianism? Fair enough – but anything is possible, changing. This is just long moody moment, long bad streak, wishful causality play…
Here’s some – of course! – individual: just to imagine pain and horror of a guy led to taking own life – either before or after agony – just to see own body from above, life going further on..! Changing to anything hells know what, any matter or form, somewhere to human again, to grief from happiness, v.v, on and on and on! But what about pain, agony and paranoidal horror (notwithstanding happy periods) of one who knows: this action=counteraction, elation-to-agony circle will not end by any means, and this matter, life, change is forever, for always, infinite...?!!! That whatever you do, rational, brilliant, difficult, good, bad (and nothing is forever, any deed is wood for fire in any run – it is difficult to write in this metric language) – you cannot deceive eventuality, you conditioned or free genius, master of Universe in or out of wheelchair? Your equal to circumstance’s choice (what I do feel like and must) is always one and always infinite… Everything certain’n’possible.
This conditioning society is anti-human – ‘cause it is against me, and I am human – despite I am against society, or “civilization” as we put it. I’m against’n’for the law – dat’s why the law is justly same toward me. But all this turns upside down, in a moment. Thus again I equate, believing in anything, knowing anything. Spectrum is a man… Infinite wave, wavering, vibrating, fluctuating, all in one. Equal… i.e. anything, as/in any situation. Equal – even time being the space, ‘cause “zero” or 0 is existent, expressible, spatial spectrum. Great, tiny, horrible, beautiful, dumb, aloof introvert autistic, socially communicable gregarious genius one infinity…
Any one travelling in present infinite space with thus same infinite speed, occupies or contains infinity and any one else precisely equally as same.
Maniacally or conformingly.
I am living. But in which sense? All in one? Which in particular (something certain, tangible as also an objective)? So used to indefinite liquid as rational reason? I am who, knowing what, with purpose why – a specter. Fair enough…
“We treat everybody the same” – said local policeman, handcuffing me. The same Scharführer
says to a jew in Auschwitz; the same – Russians treated by Stalin, heretics by inquisition, Africans and Indians by colonists, fundamentalists by democrats, kings by republicans, any nation by their outlaws and v.v, soldiers by cannons, bodies by cancer, their sick – by Spartans, people by people, whales by whalers, cattle by consumers, Japanese by tsunami, earthlings by aliens v.v, metal by heat either cold, planets by industry and electro-magnetic change, stars by gravitation/hydrogen explosions, galaxies by galaxies and black “holes” (no any difference anywhere) – and fairly enough, vice versa in the same measure; good and genius is bad and dumb. Very just – absolute justice – one equal space infinity, for always endless and same in form of change to change, where “enough” is infinite…
…Yeah… Where am I?... So, after your painful short either long happiness and agony, after variable period of livin’, feelin’n’thinkin’ as gas, radiation, isotope, fire, water, crystal, plant, animal, star, galaxy, light, cosmic wind etc.etc. eventually you have to be out as human anywhere in space, grow up, be conditioned and bear same action/counteraction, pain/pleasure routine – and then circle continues on non-stop again. Agony: someone see or feel own cremation (energy has any form) – particular comment for dat aspect is de fact dat anything, any matter (e.g. painkiller, good deed, feeling, object) has full equal spectrum of opposite effect, in compensation (theory again proven). There is no point – i.e. final purpose – but infinite good bad purpose…
But how much paper you smudge with very own thought – one page or Full Volumes Collection? And of what essence?
(constant change): any volume as velocity variable short unity, spectrum or state 1 (in energy conservation law +1), constantly changing itself and any internal/external 1 equally to it is equal to constant infinite 1 thence to any variable short 1 (changing or travelling in infinite volume with equal velocity, occupies or contains infinity and any 1 equally as same). Any 1=∞=any1 is equal, the same Universe as its evolution
travel of any 1=∞ as/in/to equal state, infinite increase, acceleration of that is equal decrease thence constancy.
Or, just one word – or, sound?! Anything? Or you plant forests? Anyway, it is indifferent – in changin’, freezin’, burnin’ space on livin’-burnin’ planet.
Who does need me, notwithstanding all my alternative scientific letters, poetry, art, mails and publications? Space? Vatican or NASA Archive? One me? What is my effort, contribution, share in this stake – what do I come to a human being with? Barely just one thing I’ve done in whole life – revoked eternity and death; so what is this practically useful for?! It is likely (certainly either), that this society may need me as bad example of total antagonism of their common objective – i.e. what man may turn into, going anti-human way. And an absolute believer (in everything equally)! There is social genius – and alter ego v.v, the opposite in one paradox is the same. Instead of crawlin’ around a blueprint with compass for salary, I evaporated dat compass in an electric arch (a Luddite, myself being a heating element in powerful electric circuit) – interested only in personal levitation; what I’ve got so far is social antigravity. What mutant freak a space unit is rendering itself going particular way, with title “monster” transpired on visit card! Painfully indifferent, agony positive – under the accompaniment of hell’s entities bawl (there in the yard). Dat’s my particular fate, in this life and moment; everything changes. One factor is infinity, and equal one is me – with slight momentary change, whatever fancy is my desire, I am perfectly for long gratified; fate (and myself) render me happy or sad, in playful change. Energetic mode of this society being counter-prescribed for me seems even ill-funny – the moment I launch an integration, because maybe I’m very bulky for delicate organisation, a short circuit occurs that blasts me back to nature – earlier even then to hedonistic romanticism but to antediluvian fire worshippers (with whom I’m also on certain contretemps), homo erectus, placental-eutherian rat and deeper spatially. And “I do myself in any sense”. A man is equal – everything depends – man as everything is equal – curling in a ball, flying in cosmic abyss of despondent mind… From nature’s intellect to human one, from Professor to Sharikov’s “abr, abr”, v.v, leads precise logical metric system (e.g. Einstein’s, Hawking’s or beyond) – that universally eventually accelerates as/in/to only any one infinity, and back.
Here… I’m going out… raving… one, call me… speak with me… quickly… Hello, SS Mann… Mainframe was executed by previous shootin’ party… Verwalten?
Здесь, со мной...
But I am a jew, and this is gas chamber..? The gas chamber is the place you don’t want to be in – so this is it. No difference, for me it is. What euthanasia? All right, in this state camp – strappado, gas, salt pit… I’m scared – this monster sends me to beyond under torture; the way it frightens itself, grimacing, is funny… What shall I do if I hate my spectrum – allergic to it – and dat hates me back – what impression of infinitely horrible cliché can be except that? What for?! Was I speaking to myself? Illogically?! And still I am? All right, there’s no death, end, multiples or absence of want. All goes on’n’on – despair of automotive intellect and function… Nurse, have you got a straight jacket for me? Good I’m having an infarct – otherwise I would be in it. If I wasn’t a physicist, wouldn’t believe such state is possible. Yes, I’ve got alternative education and delusional – normal! – mind that shouts Tourette’s, the people I respect and grateful to flog me at a square ‘cause I assume the right to be against their law. They (Beast Dragon Bio-Robot Ape) flog rebellious free slave to agony and beyond. It just dreams about how much blood is left in me and how much it wants it. Here, have your refill – it’s free. I – and you, and this virus-civilization Ape with its hyperbarbaric chamber for premature being and clichéd utilitarian policy are responsible for my martyrdom, having
“crucified” me into gravitational field of this planet. I simply need you…
The belief is knowledge, i.e. infinity…
And all this for that everything is and must be. “Full of …” Do you like your toothache or shape of your nose, and have you ever been to… a place beyond human imagination? Why?.. Far from J. Swift – ‘tis about Goya’s imagery.
You – the feat of your human alter ego “son” is that he conscientiously swopped health for quick agony – I did it automatically and eventually, for long torture – you do see me writhe'n'roll! It seems your turn for fun; d’you enjoy the show..? Don’t go, watch on – soon the cuckoo’s nest bit, with awesome agony! Horrible dream comes true – I voluptuously agonise. Where’s the butcher? I do what you say – writhe, shout, roll… What else..?! Do me!.. Answer follows: for’n’after all the physical and spiritual martyrdom – instead of reward, you mean to braise me slowly. It’s bad for me here; I am bad; only my love drives me here on.
But I need you in the same measure as you need me; you are me.
What’s the difference? For me all the same – I’m anything and everywhere.
Все катаются на карусели - я на дыбе,
я на колесе - как всё; кто все?
Еще разик, еще 1, еще много-много 1...
A. Chobur, PhD - to correct & continue… ))) ∞